If you are a parent who is facing the separation process, you are well aware that you carry a heavy load. So much to think about: where will we live, how will I pay the bills, how will this affect my child, how do we talk to our children about our divorce…Sometimes it may feel like there is no space for your own emotional journey of grief, anger, anticipation…the practical issues are overwhelming. It is critically important for the long-term health and well-being of children, that separating parents protect them from the conflict of divorce, while also giving children space to process and voice their own views about decisions being made about them. And, except in extenuating circumstances, parents are going to be called upon to continue to work together, as co-parents, for years and decades to come. While your spousal relationship may be over, your relationship as parents continues…and, in fact, may become even more important.
If you have children under the age of 19, as guardians you will need to work together to make decisions in the best interests of your children. And to do this, you are going to need a plan. And good enough communication to put that plan into action. If your children are over 19, you may no longer be making decisions on their behalf, but you will still need to work together to ensure your interactions at milestone moments and special events are healthy, for the sake of your child. And you may continue to work together to support your children emotionally and financially for years to come.
As a mediator, I often ask separating parents, “What is the story that you want your child to tell about your separation or divorce?” We all know someone whose story is painful, filled with anger and conflict and confusion and instability. That may be our own story as a child of divorce. But it is possible to have your child say, “My parents split up – it was tough at first but I always knew they both loved me and they have treated each other with respect and kindness throughout.”
Working with a mediator to discuss parenting arrangements for your child has many benefits:
- You and your spouse make the decisions about your children, not a stranger
- It is cost-effective because the costs are shared
- The neutral role of the mediator provides support to both parents and focusses on the child
- Mediation sessions provide opportunities to “practice” communicating again
- When appropriate, a child’s views can be considered in the mediation process
- It is confidential and without prejudice, meaning you can’t be held to anything unless it is put in writing and signed
- You can be creative in creating agreements that are unique to your child’s needs
- You can come back to the same mediator when conflicts arise in the future
As your family transitions into a family in two homes, rather than one, there are many practical issues to be addressed – and if you don’t want to have to rely on (and pay!) professionals for the next decade or longer, you and your former spouse need to figure out communication protocols and dispute resolution processes that will support you into the future. Kids needs change and so will your agreement. So, consider working with a mediator to take a step towards listening to one another, communicating more effectively and developing new skills as co-parents. Your children will thank you.
